Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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