I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
