he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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