a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
