Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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