I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
