Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
