WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
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tequila makes me forget i have legs
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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