I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize