i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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