:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
