Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
