Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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