oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
