Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
