so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
