Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
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