So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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