he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
