my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
They took my balls.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
