i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
