Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Holy shit dude........stairs
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