I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
