Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
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