Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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