my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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