The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
