My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Your penis caused this!
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