You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
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she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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