best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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