We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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