I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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