WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
