Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
