Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
