the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.