eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
MIDGETS
????
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
