This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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