I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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