Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
You may now shotgun with the bride
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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