the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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