he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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