There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
