You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
