summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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