The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
