i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
