She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
