So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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