At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
